I think i sorta joined a cult last night
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
