Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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