so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
