This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
