The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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