Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
