You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
