I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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