I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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