It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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