What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
