I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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