Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
