Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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