if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize