I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
