I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
