Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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