Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Randomize
