I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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