What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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