i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Randomize
