Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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