I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
