I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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