why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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