don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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