had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
