Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
