Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize