Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
