Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
