hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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