No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
