my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
