morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
