Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
