when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize