guys are only as good as the porn they watch
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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