Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
