so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
