sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
All I want is dick and wine.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
