I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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