Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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