One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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