last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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