We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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