Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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