i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
