My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
