Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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