I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize