And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Holy sore nipples Batman
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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