i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
