Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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