I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
