Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just gargled with NyQuil
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
