cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
