Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
