My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
