The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
