my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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